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Tek Jansen: Beginning's First Dawn

Patrick Sauer — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 00:00:00 GMT-05:00

Well now, here's some good news to warm the cold dark winter. Tek Jansen is back! He's ready to use his amazing powers of mimicry and sexy fight noises to free a race of what appear to be space-age Shmoos. Lil' Abner will be so happy!

If you don't know what that means, go ask your great-grandfather. He'll tell you all about the heyday of Evil-eye Fleegle and Earthquake McGoon.

Baby New Year Sez: Welcome Back Stewart

Patrick Sauer — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 00:00:00 GMT-05:00

2009 is the year of hope and change.

And already, we've seen the latest Middle East war front shift from Afghanistan and Iraq to Gaza, which has become "an intractably bloody Three's Company episode."

We're headed back to bed. Wake us in 2010.

Where We're Still Enjoying Our Plaxico Burress Christmas Gift

Patrick Sauer — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 00:00:00 GMT-05:00

No, not the album that enraptured David Letterman this holiday season, but rather Burress's genius move of shooting himself in the thigh with an unlicensed firearm while wearing sweatpants at a nightclub. It's the gift that keeps on giving, both for the comedic value and because it allows a certain team in Green a lot more flexibility in their blitz packages.

You hearing footsteps Eli? Fly, Eagles, fly....

Conan Chases Away His 2009 Blues at Joe's Place

Patrick Sauer — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 00:00:00 GMT-05:00

We disagree with Joe and the angry dude at the end of the bar. Any New Year's Eve that involves French-kissing your Mom like a ferret, busting up a toilet peeing like a girl, barfing in the lasagna and violating a resolution not to rough up the suspect to Gossip Girls sounded like the perfect way to welcome 'ought-nine.

Anderson Cooper Has Gone to the Dogs

Patrick Sauer — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 00:00:00 GMT-05:00

So it would seem that CNN hosted a "Puppedential Debate," in which Anderson Cooper asked questions to dogs and smelled them for dander. In a related story, Edward R. Murrow rose from the dead, put a gun in his mouth and blew his ghostly brains out in Wolf Blitzer's dressing room after announcing, "Good night and go f*ck yourselves."

George W. Bush Watch: Winning Was His Only Thing

Patrick Sauer — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 00:00:00 GMT-05:00

With less than two weeks to go, we look back at "The Word" from December 2005. The phrase-in-chief that night was "Lombardi," as in the Hall-of-Fame coach of the Green Bay Packers, a renowned hard-driving, no-bullspit leader who turned boys into men and walked away with the Ice Bowl. What do Lombardi and Bush have in common? They're both winners. Although the final score of the Super Bowl is the end of the game, the final score of the Presidential election is more like the beginning and/or halftime. Good thing W. is going out with a bang, his 29% approval rating earns him top honors in low marks.